Tuesday, April 30, 2019

May I Have This Dance?

What am I waiting for?
Maybe I should just do it.
Close the door!
I’ll give away the store,
I'll bumble like a half-wit.
What am I waiting for?—
permission to take the floor?
From where I sit,
I’d say you can close the door
on THAT possibility. Mustn’t be a boor,
so better just sit quiet.
Still, I’m waiting for
dispensation to rise once more.
You say, “Get up and walk!” but I don't buy it,
won’t shut the door
on my wish to just lie here and snore.
You frown, but I know I’m a laugh-riot.
What am I waiting for?
Close the door!

Monday, April 29, 2019

Embarrassing Success

What if I wanted to attain enlightenment
and found out I already had it?
Would I be disappointed?
Would it be like power without its accoutrements—
the right to say, Off with their heads, if
you please? Wordsworth wanted to cross Simplon
Pass, but found out
he’d already done it.
He was disappointed—
but then a wild astonishment
seized him that much resembled
the glad rush of enlightenment
itself. And I'm hoping there'll be emoluments—
jewels in my crown instead
of thornsand I’m not disappointed
when I think of your precious enbrightenment
and all the honey-dew I fed
on, those days I was seeking enlightenment.
Never disappointed.

Bdote

Pronounced B-do-té, I think Got an idea of writing a piece by describing my process of culling the photos of our walk in Bloomington— old Cedar Avenue bridge still above the water but most of the paths flooded. There’s the new Cedar Avenue bridge off across the water, with the Bloomington skyline behind it—black-orange boxy structures. That’s looking east, and looking west the huge smokestack of the Black-Hawk power plant. Roiled-up river flood stretching away—Minnesota-Mississippi exchanging waters—Bdoté reaching all the way from this bridge to Fort Snelling.

Saturday, April 27, 2019

Should I Write My Memoir?

What is interesting about a life?
Who would want to write their memoir?
All just a lot of struggle and strife.
It’ll be a blessed relief
when it’s over—no one will want to read your memoir.
What will be interesting about your life
once you’ve bought it and you’re sitting in a warm place
that’s not really all that far
removed from where you’re sitting now, with your struggle and strife?
Well, someone went and hired a fife-
and drum corps to serenade Babar.
What was ever interesting about that elephant’s life?
Well, he was an animal of a different race,
but he still had his old tribe back in Africa.
Paris life was a lot of struggle and strife
for Babar the elephant, with his soft, friendly eyes,
wanting to take his suit off and retour à la nature,
avoiding the struggle and strife.
What is interesting about a life?

Doing Yoga Sculpt

Thursday, did Yoga Sculpt with Jessica—
first, walked to Tillie’s and ate a breakfast
sammie sloppy scrambled eggs with salsa
and bacon, chatted with the folks there—then
walked to University Avenue
over the freeway, through parking lots, in
blue waterproof Tevas, backpack holding
my shorts and red combination lock. Not
sure what I planned to do when they scanned my
badge. Peed. Yoga by myself up by the
racquetball courts, then said what the hell, went
down the stairs to Flex Room A, and got
a mat and five- and seven-pound barbells.
Lots of high-to-low into Warrior I.

Friday, April 26, 2019

Sitting on the Wall

The question is, which is to be master — that’s all. Humpty-Dumpty
You seek mastery of language,
but the joke's on you -
language has mastery.
Working in a factory
of words, like poor Simon
Weil, you seek mastery of language.
But you're not the Sheik of Araby -
the moon and stars knew,
language has mastery.
Nor susceptible to flattery
(but in fear of the Romans),
you seek mastery of language -
to rule the world with me -
but you need to get the clue
 
that language has mastery.
Into my tent you'll creep
tonight - 
to wail love's blues.
You seek mastery of language,
but language has mastery.

refusetheabuse Screed

What we see in the media is mostly staged by forces whose only priority is to grow their corporate bottom line so that corporate owners (including small stockholders, most of them retired corporate people) can grow their investments.
refusetheabuse suspects that the current president is a diversionary tactic on the part of these corporate forces. He plays dumb and creates outrage, while they gradually appropriate social welfare resources. Every media show is the same—Kavanagh’s confirmation is NOT blocked, obstruction of justice is NOT found—each an attempt at resistance that draws everyone’s attention and ultimately fails.
The show makes the president and the forces he serves stronger by distracting our attention and exhausting us. Its net effect is to make us feel defeated.
This is nothing but plain abuse. Both the media and the conservative churches have been hijacked and abused. We ourselves are hijacked and abused, and we abuse one another, when we obsessively write the name and spread the image—reposting articles thinking we’re resisting and making fun. refusetheabuse fears that we make him stronger when we do that.
Now there is a danger that a big impeachment effort in the House of Representatives will absorb everyone’s attention and keep the image foremost in the media for the next year. refusetheabuse fears that an impeachment effort too will fail, and in the meantime resource-appropriation by the corporate forces will continue. Maybe the president could be impeached and thrown out of office. But how long would it take?—probably the remainder of his term. refusetheabuse thinks chances are we’d be doing him a favor. The next election would come right at the moment when we’ve failed to throw him out and we’re frustrated and defeated.
refusetheabuse likes the voices of Nancy Pelosi and Robert Reich. Let’s not try to impeach—too much grief! Let’s not rely on stagy legal efforts to get rid of him, but have faith in the basic decency of the voters (if this faith is misplaced, all hope is gone).
refusetheabuse believes that nothing should be done that disseminates the image. If the opposing candidate is only about defeating the current president, they will lose. Let’s support someone who has genuine positive energy—Elizabeth Warren maybe. A genuinely likable candidate will win. "Electability" is bunk.
Let’s stop abusing ourselves and each other by watching the media show. Watching doesn’t help.

Thursday, April 25, 2019

Refuse the Abuse Denouement

So, yeah, that t-shirt notion. Zimmerman’s
Dry Goods needs a graphic file, so I went
home and typed refusetheabuse.com,
22-point Verdana white, into
a slate-heather text box, took a screen shot,
and saved it as a JPG—to be
placed above the heart, pocket-side, not too
far below the V-unisex neckline.
So I’ll email it to Zimmerman’s and
see what they recommend. In the meantime,
I ran the poetry show at Tillie’s
Farmhouse. Oh, I’ll get t-shirts all right—it
just remains to be seen whether I’ll be
too bashful to give them to anyone.

Watching Myself Live

How I love my pleasant occupation
of writing—always a clean slate, never
knowing what I’ll end up saying! Who’s there
to say something in the first place? Knock on
the ice-etched window pane, peep in through the
shutters. There you see the ego at bay,
nursing its wounds and buffing its limbs. It
dimly understands it’s a beautiful
animal, with a bent towards beauty—an
eagerness about the loving regard
of others—with so much always left unsaid—
unsaid, because, what would mother say?
I don’t want to say either Fuck you or
I love you, just let the writing happen.

Monday, April 22, 2019

Go to Zimmerman's

So many possible designs for the
t-shirt. Maybe REFUSE THE ABUSE should
just be a small pocket decal. So, yeah,
just get decals, forget about t-shirts.
To get anywhere in life, you just have
to DO stuff sometimes. Like who would’ve thought
Fargo'd be a hit? Only someone
who applies will get the job. The rest of
us will rot slowly in would-ve-been-could-
ve-been land. Just gotta keep it simple—
make a t-shirt that I myself would feel
comf’t’r’ble wearing. Light blue with purple
lettering? ALL CAPS? IN SOME KIND OF SCRIPT
font? I just have to go to Zimmerman’s!


Sunday, April 21, 2019

Riding the Gorgon Medusa

Who could depict the face of the gorgon Medusa?
They who behold her must turn to stone.
When she shows her ugly face, refuse her!
I went riding on a fine Appaloosa
mare, a beautiful spotted roan,
pointing my quest for the head of the gorgon Medusa.
I couldn’t see her face from behind my saddle
horn, with my spurs and the bone
in my tie, but how could I refuse her—
she and I surveying the ponderosa
together
not feeling afraid, not feeling alone
as we approached the cave of the gorgon Medusa?
The terror of the gorgon Medusa’s in the serpents
she wears for tresses—Caravaggio
and Rubens knew we couldn’t refuse her—
the red mane of my beautiful cayoose all
turned to snakes, her chin and nose
bridling back toward me—the face of the gorgon Medusa
herself! How could I possibly refuse her?


Friday, April 19, 2019

Refuse the Abuse

On a mad whim, did a domain search for
refusetheabuse.com, and found, to
my amazement, it was available:
So I purchased it, and now I own it,
along with refusetheabuse.net,
for an extra ten bucks. Then I walked to
the t-shirt store to see if I could get
Refuse the Abuse! t-shirts made. No prob—
all priced out, I can get six t-shirts, with
“Don’t watch TV!” on the back, for about
sixty. So I’d say feasability’s
a cincher, time to go into design
but now I’m thinking, I'll maybe want to
get refusethefuckingabuse.com.

A Fork in My Morning

I’m feeling tired. What exists, besides
my foot suspended above the cedar
slats? A goldfinch. A cardinal calling.
Why don’t I take more interest in the
birds? Here, now, it’s Spring, and there might be fox-
sparrows hopping on the ground beside the
feeders. Witchety-witchety to my
left, maybe from my east neighbor’s big pine:
funneling me into meditation
of sorts—better than a moment ago
feeling distractedly discontented
and enervated. Should I take a walk?
Unheard of to go back inside in the
middle of the morning and take a nap!

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Their Majesty the Queen

I am a hard rock,
with all my boo-hooing and confessing—
especially with my gaudy socks.
Might need shoe tacks,
diamonds in the soles of my morning.
I’m a hard rock
because I never wear a jock strap,
because I want to keep everybody guessing.
My gaudy socks
take people’s mind off the clock—
they enjoy me messing
up my own face with a bag of rocks.
Then they throw me in the truck
and drive me to Shanghai, where I keep impressing
them with my gaudy socks.
What the fuck,
I say—has my common-sense gone missing?
I’m a hard rock,
flaunting my gaudy socks!

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

I Write in the Morning

Comforting that I can make a poem
out of the odds and ends
of my morning
feeling at home
with the twists and bends
but wishing I didn’t have to call it a poem
it’s just a bit of rhyme
one word befriends
another, whom it met this morning
and they make a honey pone
together beginning to end.
Don’t call it a poem
if the word just makes you imagine some dron-
ey guy who won’t put down his pen,

vexing the serenity of your morning.
For God’s sake, let's not think of him
but turn to what the time commends!
Comforting to scrape a tune
on the strings of the morning.


Do We Dare to Sleep Out in the Air?

Do we dare,
in spite of the danger of radioactive space dust,
sleep out in the air?
Do we care
that we’ve lost all trust
in a benevolent Providence and don’t dare
lay our innocent heads down where
a kind of radioactive yeast
from outer space might be poisoning the air?
But what really makes our hair
stand up are the insects—
radioactive ticks that inhabit the air,
making us quiver in rank terror,
and causing no end of other fuss,
because we’re so sure that none of us would dare
meet one in a narrow corner, even though they’re
silent as a bust
of Pallas. Do we dare
to sleep out in the air?

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Imagination

Poured back into my daily life, after
a not-so-satisfactory reading
experience—finally not willing
to go all in, or not knowing how—I
played my fiddle this morning: “Cotton-eyed
Joe,” “Lily of the West,” “Fire in the Hole,”
and later on I’ll try “Eminence Front”
and “What Is the Soul of a Man?” on the
mandolin. And it’s warm today—I can
write on my back porch in my dishabille,
so I’m writing this now, and I’ll probly
post it in a few minutes. But I’ve got
a few syllables to go. Now is when
imagination must come into play.


Sunday, April 14, 2019

Steppin’ High Joe

Had not a been for Steppin’ High Joe
I’d a been married twenty years ago.
Where’d  ‘j come from, where’d j’ go
Where’d  ‘j come from, Steppin’ High Joe
Where’d  ‘j come from, where’d j’ go
Where’d  ‘j come from, Steppin’ High Joe
I fell down, stubbed my toe,
Called for the doctor, Steppin’ High Joe
[Where etc. after every verse.]
Step high Moll, step high Moe
Step a little tune they call the Steppin’ High Joe
Step High Jim, step high Joe
Step a little tune they call the Steppin’ High Joe
Pick up my fiddle, rosin my bow
Play a little tune called the Steppin’ High Joe

Stepped out fine but the cake’s all dough
Slippin’ on the dance floor, Steppin’ High Joe

It's flat-foot floogie with a flo flo
And a fat-foot moogie with the Steppin' High Joe.
Fiddler got drunk, fell on the floor,
Called for the banjo, Steppin’ High Joe
Glow little glowworm, glow glow glow,
I love my darlin’, Steppin’ High Joe.
Don’t you remember a long time ago,
Daddy danced a dolly named Steppin’ High Joe.
Don’t you remember a long time ago,
Momma danced a molly named Steppin’ High Joe

Wednesday, April 10, 2019

Anxiety Dream

How perverse!—when I’m asleep, I arrange
scenarios of frustration—I can’t
find my grandparents’ house in Chicago—
trying to type my wife’s name into my
phone so she’ll tell me the address. I played
that game with myself early this morning—
my fitbit shows a 30-minute REM
occurrence between 7 and 7:
30. Why do I gaslight myself like
this? Did I think if I knew the number
I’d ever be able to spot it on
a house? First, there’d be the street-name hurdle—
how could I ever find the street, as far
as I’ve now wandered, and without a map?

Monday, April 8, 2019

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

Kudos for taking the dare!
You’ll get on like a house afire.
When you say, “I don’t care,” it really means you DO care.
Bowing and kneeling in prayer,
knowing you’re dressed in your best attire

kudos for taking the dare!
In hock just deep enough to be a player,
and not expecting to be deemed a liar,
when you say, “I don’t care,” don’t think you really DON’T care
but remember the comedian Richard Prior—
he was much funnier than you ever were,
but kudos for taking the dare!
Then there are the guys who got their faces blown off in the war
when they thought they were just quietly observing a cease-fire—
when they say, “I don’t care,” I know it really means they DO care.
So whatever you do, please make your meaning clear!
Don’t try to shrink away like a coy flower!
Don’t say, “I don’t care,” when (you should know) you really DO care!
Kudos for taking the dare!

Saturday, April 6, 2019

Useless Baggage

A lovely woman getting onto her
bike, corner of Grand and Snelling—short hair,
light build. I could see her dark eyes from where
I stood kitty-corner, waiting for the
light. I’d like to be that young woman, I
thought
but how vulnerable, without my
brash male bravado, my pre-possessive
lordliness, my sense of being stronger,
my entitlement, my sly assumption
that everyone will think my abusive
bullying is cute! How naked I’d feel
without the prerogatives I own by
right of being male! But what a relief!
A lovely woman peddling up the street.

Friday, April 5, 2019

Yesterday and Today

Tired today. It’s afternoon. Decided
not to go out for a walk till later.
So I’ll work on songs—“Satisfied Mind,” and
“By and By I’m Going to See the King.”
So now it’s a day later. I tried to
record the songs yesterday, but they were
tricky—I had to invent mandolin
riffs I'd never played before. This morning,
I did yoga for half an hour, and,
early aft, walked to the Y and toed out
some kind of clogging step in Flex Room A
while I sang “Cotton-Eyed Joe” to myself
dancing barefoot for half an hour. That was
after I got down those two other songs.

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Flibbertigibbet

Took an online test to find my brain type—
hyperactivity in the basal
ganglia, centers of motivation
and anxiety. It promised it would
email me my brain-type diagnosis,
but all I got was a link to a page
for ordering brain-support supplements—
serotonin mood support, and GABA
calming support. OK, I hereby dub
the syndrome: over-Jonesing! I wish they’d
let me order hallucinogenic
yopo snuff, but short of that I’ll just walk
to the Y in my blue Tevas for the
Oula One yoga class with Angela.

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Umami - Yo Mama

There’s a flavor called umami—
flavor that gives you the biggest right to boast
about yo momma.
Not sweet, not salty, the flavor of the Dhamma.
Savory, like the Palmira french roast
coffee I’m drinking—flavor of yo momma.
For the coffee, I have to thank my sista,
with whom I have some of the most
fun ever, singing songs with plain umami—
deep heart-affecting harmony.
Feeling like we’re getting so close
to whatever comes directly from yo momma—
rivers flowing dark all summer,
common terroir that never can be lost!
It’s the feeling that they call umami
when the moon hits your eye
like a big pizza pie, and you know you can trust
that plain forever feeling that’s umami.
That's yo momma!


Jan 2018

Golden Canyon


I stared straight at the sun as no man could.

1.
                We hit Beatty
after a two-hour drive in the bright sun with
                our headlights on,
hanging inordinately long behind pokey vehicles, afraid to pass. By the
                time we finish
unloading, it’s mid-evening and we need a restaurant, but disturbingly,
                Death Valley Fire
Pit Barbecue
and Happy Burro Chile and Beer are
                both boarded up,
so we walk fast (past a funny twelve-foot-tall metal clock, standing by
                itself where we
suppose a railroad station used to be), finally spotting
                a convenience store
on Main Street.
                                A muscular gray-haired woman behind the counter
                steers us away
from the Sourdough Café (“They gave me the worst sandwich I ever
                ate in my
life”), so we settle for beers and pizza at KC’s
                across the street,
and then return with a six-pack to the Death Valley
                Inn and RV
Park
, and I go to sleep, nodding  over Dante’s
                Paradiso.
                                     We start
that first morning by walking around Beatty. Beatty’s the
                kind of town
where everyone lives in a trailer home, with all their old vehicles parked in
                the front yard.
(In one particular yard, there’s an ancient rusty contraption that seems to be
                a road grader,
wheels sunk four inches deep in the yellow dirt—
                a long (hitching?)                
post in front—maybe designed to be attached to a team of horses or
                mules.)
                                After an
hour or two or of searching for birds in the bushes that
                line a scant
trickle that runs through town and turns out to be
                the Amargosa River,
we take off in the Fiesta for
                Death Valley.
                                           I’m
a little embarrassed to admit that we end up staying three
                days in Beatty—
crusty bruise on the foot of southern Nevada. We don’t
                see many of
the Death Valley sights either—checking out the Harmony Borax Works
                but never viewing
the sunrise from Zabriski Point, or navigating the scenic loop called Artist’s drive,
                or even taking
in Dante’s Viewthe breathtaking mountaintop overlook more
                than 5000 feet
above the inferno of Death Valley
. Not sure why we
                aren’t more ambitious—
except I know I’m tired—negotiating a separation from my
                stressful job working
for a medical device company in Minnesota.
                                                                                    Afternoon
                of the third
day, I haul my clothes to the RV Laundromat, managed by an
                old wrangler dude
living in a trailer next door with his three dogs.
                Waiting out the
washing cycle, I read on at the Paradiso. Beatrice has appeared already
                in Canto I,
staring straight into the sun, and Dante, staring unceasingly into
                her beautiful face,
floats up past the moon, the planets, and the fixed stars, to
                his true home
in the Empyrean—divine source of all light and love.  Beatrice
                is very pedantic.
When Dante attempts to explain the dark markings on the moon as due to
                different densities, she
rebukes him— “I am certain you shall see that your beliefs
                are deeply steeped
in error” —and embarks on a three-page scholastic argument that makes
                my noggin smart.


2.

                                                     Our one mildly ambitious trip: first morning
                in the Fiesta,
hurtling down 5000 feet of switchbacks—tense because of my phobia of
                losing control going
fast downhill—braking to 15 miles per hour, then coasting to 45 and
                braking again, Robin
impatient with me in the passenger seat.  We take
                the left fork
toward the Furnace Creek Visitor Center,
                road gradually leveling
in the midst of a blinding white stretching away
                toward a few
black, rounded buttes to the west—
                                                                   dry bones of horses,
                mules, and foolish
men who concluded to drive across that sink, to be
                found later under
a grease bush, head over knees, dead,
                cat in a box
dead, horses dead in their halters, the wind
                singing a funeral:
You’ve lived in heat, you’ve died in heat, and now you’ve gone
                to hell
.
                               A
ranger at the Visitor Center gives us a little itinerary, so we drive a few
                miles toward Bad
Water and pull into a parking lot marked Golden Canyon.
                A broad trail
goes up between wrinkled, mustard-colored mounds—air already close
                and hot, 90-plus
in mid-March—lizards darting out from under our feet to hide
                in narrow crannies
in the yellow rock.
                                    Ascending, we encounter a number of groups
                 and pairs returning,
 few having made it all the way to the Red Cathedral at the end
                 of the trail.
“Was it worth the hike?” we ask, the responses decidedly lukewarm—nothing
                spectacular to report
about this Golden Canyon trail. Supposedly there’s a vista
                from the Red
Cathedral
if you scramble a ways over the rocks, but   it sounds dangerous,
                and no one
seems to have had the energy to try it.
                                                                         As we get higher, the canyon
                narrows and the
air gets closer—my sandaled, borax-dusty feet trudging over rocks,
                trying to avoid
gravelly stretches that make me have to kick pebbles out—finally
                reaching a spot
where we duck to get under a red rock arch. The wall of
                the Red Cathedral
is just fifty-odd yards farther up, but we stop here,
                eat our left-over
sausage-and-jalapeño pizza from KC’s, and then
                start back down—
the mid-afternoon sun catching the sides of the mustard-colored hills,
                making a million
tiny silicate specs glitter in the sun—a transparency almost
                of coral or
amber—a million starlike points of light, each shining
                like a soul
that has floated up by ineluctable reverse-gravity karma grace to its own
                immovable, foreknown place
under the unchanging eye of
                God.
                            A few
yards farther down, the light shifts, and the hills
                are mustard-colored
mounds again. It doesn’t take us long to walk back to the Fiesta and drive
                along the white
sink and up the 5000 feet of switchbacks
                home to Beatty.

Candor

So I’m back to being my old naked self,
enjoying the view, enjoying the breeze.
How naked can I be to myself?
I used to be as thin as an elf,
but now I’m too fat to be fully pleased
when I’m back to being my old naked self.
Am I a Ghibelline or a Guelph?
Well, a White Guelph, if you please.
How naked can a White Guelf be to themself?—
loyal to neither emperor nor pontiff,
seeking release
from the turbulent warfare waged on itself
in a vision of transparent nakedness itself—
vacant enough to make all turmoil cease—
that’s how naked I want to be to myself—
finally knowing I’m past all help:
You can see, Lord, I’m on my knees,
nobody but You, Lord, and my naked self—
candid heart of Love itself.

Monday, April 1, 2019

Spring Catwalk

Playing my pan flute,
tuning the stinky breeze,
wearing my hazmat suit.

Every hat will droop,
every bird will wheeze
when I play my pan flute

slipping through the poop—
dog poop, if you please—
wearing my hazmat suit—

skin, bone, and heart’s-blood soup.
Pet that pigeon, you’ll get fleas!
Just play your pan flute,

wield your pooper-scoop,
thank God for warm spring days,
and wear your hazmat suit!

Dance through the goop!
(My suit has knobby knees.)
Tootle on your pan flute!
Flaunt your hazmat suit!