The Man Who Wasn't There

I doubt, therefore I am.
Most philosophers doubt even that.
I guess I’m just a doubting ham—

first cousin of Sam I Am.
Sam I Am was lean not fat—    
I fast therefore I am.

Far less quiet than a clam,
I have to tell you of my doubt—
I guess I’m just a mumbling ham.

I want to say, “lorazepam”—
my doubting doesn’t do me proud—
I fret, therefore I am,

but I’ll keep calm and carry on,
stand up and shout it right out loud—
I’m a doubt-proclaiming ham!

if you doubt hard
enough, you’ll have nine lives like a cat—
you’ll be the death-defying ham.

Watch me now with my blue socks on
insubstantiating to the crowd—
I vanish, therefore I am—
just a non-existent ham.